I understand by abuse treating ourselves and/or another person with physical or mental cruelty, usually on a regular basis and against their will.
We all have, at some time in our lives, been the abused or the abuser. We have abused our bodies with food and drugs; our minds, our children, our partners or anyone around us. Or it might happen that we have been abused at work by co-workers, bosses, or at home by our spouses, parents, etc,
The degree of tolerance to the fact of being abused depends on our learned past experiences. The kind of behaviour that for some people would be intolerable, for others may just be normal. Inevitably we have to look back and examine our family of origin.
Majority of my clients who have had an abusive upbringing find themselves in abusive relationships. I have heard more than once
He/she has hit me some times, but he/she loves me”; “I have to make love to my husband when he wants to” or “when she gets angry she shouts at me and start calling me names, but I don’t pay attention”.
The problem is none of these people was able to identify, even discriminate accurately what being abused was.
The experience of being abused carries with it hidden messages:
“I don’t exist, you can’t exist, I am worthless, powerlessness; violation, betrayal, frustration and anger, isolation, denial of my existence, trapped, fearful, loneliness, no one there to protect, to turn to; feelings of being a bad person, and more…”
When a child has been introduced at an early age into abusive behaviour, he develops his own way of surviving. Whether developing the same traits and becoming abusive, replicating his parents actions, or letting go of his anger through passive aggression.
When this child grows up and starts relating to others to create his own relationship, he would inevitably feel attracted to someone whom he can replicate his early relationship at home. It is difficult to believe that we choose ourselves to get into this, isn’t it?
There is an explanation. As children we copy out and learn so much from our environment in order to survive. We cannot judge or discriminate because our rational brain is not developed yet. As a grown up, we will inevitably repeat our family behaviour, just because this is the only way we know.
We need to realise that what was essential for us in our past to make the best of our lives, is not the appropriate behaviour of and adult.
Not knowing what else to do, we unconsciously seek a partner who can play out that familiar and comforting abusive behaviour; after all we know how to respond to survive and have practice adapting to the situation.
In order to break the pattern, regain a worthily life and not pass down into our children the same abusive, unsafe & insecure life; we need to do therapeutic work.
The work is not an easy one. Unlearning what we know and learning new ways of responding means dealing with the past, and this means feeling again the past.
However the benefits are immense: breaking free, going from deprived to deserving, overcoming fatal attraction, letting go of addictions, learning to set boundaries, improving our relationships, affirming ourselves and last but no least sharing our recovery with our children; once we have learned to love ourselves, we can teach them how to love themselves.
