I am a therapist trained in family therapy and counselling, however this didn’t stop me from going through the excruciating pain of loosing someone I loved.
When we are confronted with the loss of love, such a divorce or an end of a long term relationship, it can be as devastating as death.
When a loved one dyes we take time to grieve. This is a period of physically, mentally emotionally and spiritually detaching from these bonds. It has been compared to withdrawing from an addiction. In the initial stages of grief, we may feel like we are going insane. Physically our energy becomes depleted; we may have obsessive conversations in our head because still we don’t really believe his is gone.
We come to terms with the fact that we need to move on. With a physical death we are usually supported by friends and family and even society in general will support us if they know we are grieving.
When a loving relationship ends in divorce or separation, it is experienced in the same way. I would say with the same grief. In my opinion it is more devastating than a death as there is no closure and no matter how final it may appear there is always that weak belief that they may come back. There is a possibility of change, because where there is life, there is hope.
Friends and family will be supportive and sympathetic too, but there are no cards, flowers and no time out to recover. With death it is healing to talk about what a great person he was, we try to keep him alive placing photographs near our beds. With divorce we are advised to wipe him out. We are reminded that he was a liar and a cheat, inconsiderate and controlling. It has been the best that happened to us. However deep inside, in our heads we still hear our own voice saying “but I still love him”.
Being abandoned by our lover throws us in a deep emotional turmoil. We struggle to comprehend why he left us. His behaviour confuses us. Being abandoned threatens our sense of safety by annihilating our self-esteem. We feel treated as unworthy and unlovable and our weaknesses and vulnerabilities are exposed.
Abandonment is a universal wound. It makes heartbreak so painful. It arouses anxiety causing our self-esteem to drop. Whether we are losing a friend, a job, a lover, we still feel left behind. Abandonment stirs up feelings of not belonging and overall not being in control of our lives. It generates feelings of insecurity and self-doubt.
Heartbreak has been trivialised. Being left by someone you love creates such intense anxiety and hopelessness. Those deep feelings of rejection make people turn to sedatives like alcohol, pills, and illegal drugs. Some try to commit suicide. Others commit or try to commit homicide. We hear about domestic violence all the time.
When someone you love leaves you, getting through the pain is a matter of surviving. We feel disconnected and our first priority is to connect back again. According to my own experience the only way of existing in such moments was getting into the present and staying there as long as possible.
I read in a book something that touched my soul. It said like this
The Past is history
The future is a mystery
And the present is a Gift, that’s why it is called the Present
The moment has not future not past. It is about now. Only the now is alive, is real.
Getting into the moment requires real effort and know-how. I would like to copy out Susan Anderson’s words from her book “the Journey from Heartbreak to recovery”
“The most efficient way to get into the moment is to isolate one of the sensory organs and use it in a deliberate, systematic way to tune into what’s going on within and around you… Our sense of hearing helps us most quickly gain entry into the moment”
When we go through a devastating experience like abandonment, loss or disappointment, we used to do the very opposite of what will help us. Taking then a long time for the emotional turmoil to go and getting stuck in the anxiety and pain. We fight the process increasing our rage, numbness or depression.
Recovery from the wound of abandonment requires effort, time and willingness to work with, rather than against the feelings. Doing it alone is possible but very difficult. Professional help aids the process guiding you safely towards you real healing rescuing your sense of identity, worthiness and direction in life.
